This is going to be a much different post than my normal 2 readers are used to but I felt as if I should write some of my more morose thoughts down in cyberspace. Call it a getting to know me a little better session.

Do the two of you (and you know who you are!) know how much music affects my life? Does anybody that knows me realize how much I absolutely adore tunes? I can't live without cds in my car; I love my iPod more than people love their pets. Although I'm not like my friends the Loncarics or Brian Godshall, I do collect music in all varieties. In my iTunes right now I've got everything from BArry Manilow to Blink 182; Barry White to Ben Harper, Dr. Dre to Edie Gorme and Steve Lawrence. Music moves me, motivates me, makes me feel things. I wonder if I'm just a freak or if it does this to others as well?

A good hip hop song makes me feel good - it gives me funny feelings of confidence and it lifts my spirits. A dose of Neil Diamond brings me back to my childhood days and I remember listening to him in the house with daddy on the weekends or the first time he really made me listen to the words of Morningside (his personal favorite) I like Concrete Blond because the music is eerie; they were a softer version of Evanescence before Amy Lee even came into the scene, I think. Counting Crows and U2 inspire me to write for some reason. I created a character in one of my stories closely related to Adam Duritz; how funny is that? (in case you're wondering the character is a lead singer of a band who has serious anger and personality issues, deals with an abusive father and has a thing for the main character who is also a recent victim of domestic abuse and trying to find her way in the world. The dynamic between the two is awesome and it's one of my favorite stories)

I can remember being with Zacc at the Drive In seeing the movie Say Anything and how I felt the moment I first heard that eerie tune by Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes. It was young love and the song brings back haunting memories of that steamy scene in the back of the car between John Cusack and Ione Skye down by the beach. "Still the Same" by Bob Seger brings me back to the kitchen sink at Jim's house one year on my birthday and my father calling me on the phone, that song playing loud in the background and I can still hear his happy voice on the phone saying, "You might be 28 Kristina but in my eyes you're still the same!" I have vague memories of Lou Rawls "You'll Never Find" bringing me back to the Jersey shore when I was little and riding in the car. Or days spent shopping and running errands with my sister when C+c Music Factory songs play on the radio. Pearl Jam's first works put me in the time when I was obsesses with Eddie Vedder and Bono at the same time; how the sad, sad songs on their first cd got me through tough times during my separation and divorce from Zacc all those years ago. The heavy beat and harsh voice through the rap classic "Back that Ass up" brings me back to the dark, loud and hazy nights when we would party at Briggett's house and dance in the basement with everybody whooping it up and hollering around us.

Songs and music make me remember life. When there are pictures and words and thoughts and discussions, nothing brings me back to the full moment to the emotion and the feelings I had like that memory of a song that was playing at the time. Songs are memories to me - little 3 minute clips of my life here and there sometimes. Lately I haven't had much interest in it. The iPod has been looking up at me longingly from my desk or my purse and wondering why I'm not spending as much time with it. Sometimes it even turns itself on as a way of letting me know that it's still there. I miss it but I can't wrap my head around it right now. Music just seems empty to me and I can't decide on what I'd like to listen to or if it's even interesting to me.

Maybe I just need some new tunes; maybe it's just because I'm bored with my selection. When I sit at the computer long enough at home I will pull up iTunes and browse. Lately I have gravitated to a beautiful song by a very talented artist named Mat Kearney; he sings a song called "What's a Boy to do" and it's just a very well done song. It's sad, it's emotional and for some reason, it's comforting to me. See? I told you I was weird... ;)